Finding centre

I knew as soon as my feet sank into the pale, sugary sand that this was where I needed to be. Waves of emotion crashed through my body and the recent build-up of tension and worry were released. My heart raced with excitement as I neared the cool, green salty water. The sun was blazing hot, heating my body till it released moisture to cool itself. I felt a smile on my face and enjoyed the moment without searching for a deeper meaning.

I came to my senses when my whole body shivered with the shock of cold water enveloping my toes. I quickly skipped through the shallows, searching for a suitable depth of water to dive into -- there was no point delaying the inevitable. Suddenly I was surrounded by icy liquid and when I came up for air I could feel the magic working already. Instinctively I submerged again and felt the water glide easily along my body lines. I dived again and for a split second the image of a pod of dolphins flashed through my mind.

I wiped droplets of water from my face and tasted its saltiness on my tongue. Bliss, I thought. Not wanting to face reality just yet I flopped backwards into the water, closed my eyes and floated easily in the water. My ears were below the water level, so all I could hear was the regular whistle of air escaping my mouth. My mind began to form fuzzy images of times long ago, and then my heart joined in and sung out a cry of childhood joy. Time had stood still and it had also ventured into another dimension. In, out. In, out. The air flowed in and out of my lungs and I could feel my body slowly cooling so it seemed to melt into the sea water.

I don't know how long I lay there, gently bobbing up and down in the ocean. But when I rose from the water I felt joy in my heart, peace in my soul and pleasure in my mind. I had found my centre point and I knew everything was going to be okay.

 

Meeting a Goddess

The morning was calm, serene and heavily scented with fate. Everything I touched fell into place, despite the arrangements being made at the last minute. I felt positive, light and full of hope for the day ahead.

The ‘boy’ smiled a brilliant smile at me. He couldn’t have been more than 17 surely – in fact, if I hadn’t known better I would have asked him about school! The older man, his face showing the years of experience and perhaps life’s disappointments, managed to smile also. He discovered my details on the computer and I left their place of work smiling. How lovely to exchanges pleasantries without as much as a word. I looked up toward the heavens with gratitude in my heart.

There was a little time now before I needed to be at my next appointment. How wonderful it felt to know I could do something decadent! I waltzed up to the counter at my favourite coffee shop and ordered a small, spinach and feta filo pie and an espresso. The zombie, with his clothes stained blood red, took my order and we exchanged a few words about his costume for Halloween. Young people these days seem to take great delight in this ritual. No, I didn’t have plans to go out tonight. No, my children don’t have plans either. We will be celebrating my Grandmother’s birthday; she would have been 94. Have a great time yourself though, I responded. I rejoiced on the occasion to speak about my Grandma with this stranger and feel peace, rather than pain. These past five years have surely gone quickly.

Sitting down at a nearby table it occurred to me that life just couldn’t be better. What a day! No awkward human interactions plus a few minutes to enjoy a coffee and read my latest medieval tale Scandal of the Season. How extraordinary to go behind the scenes of the famous poem The Rape of the Lock. Do you remember it? Alexander Pope. Ha, that brings back some memories. But after re-reading the same paragraph for the third time I closed the book. My stomach was twisting with knots of nerves. I observed the time, five more minutes. Anxious at the prospect of meeting someone new, I checked my thoughts and persuaded them to dwell on the knowledge that luxury accompanied this meeting. One and a half hours of complete extravagance! My energy was soaring again, so I quickly gathered my belongings and headed towards my new destination.

I was early, I needed to wait. I took a seat in the stiff, white chair seemingly in the middle of a thoroughfare, but at least it took my mind off the up-coming event. I watched three people waiting in a line close by. The elderly lady in the paisley blouse was being attended to courteously, but she grasped uneasily at her oversized bag and walking stick as the attendant offered her a bag of medicines. It’s a bugger getting old, she stated. The attendant smile sympathetically and helped her customer regain composure before moving amongst the fast-moving crowd beyond the doorway. Two middle-aged ladies tapped impatiently on the glass counter, waiting to be served. I wouldn’t want to be in retail again, I thought. Just then I felt eyes on me. I turned to see a soft face and a brilliant smile, Tara is it? All my anxiety melted away as I nodded. Come this way please.
 

 

Life goes on

Life goes on, they say. Goes on how and to where, I wonder.

People see a smile, but not the pain. It is there, in the eyes. But most don't want to see it or acknowledge it. They walk away with their own problems and life to live. Pass you by.

I see it in others. It hurts most when I see pain in the eyes of children. Not just once either. Some walk in every day with eyes that wrench at your heart. But you can't take on the world either, they say. Leave them. They'll get through.

So days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months and before you know it, you've survived.

Looking back at the dark points you wonder how and why nobody came to help. But, perhaps they thought you were tough enough and could get through anything, or perhaps you weren't worth their time. Who knows?

Tomorrow is another day. What it will bring is unknown, but you've built up your resilience again and you know you'll survive.

Life goes on, they say. And you're sure to get through and still have energy to give to others that need helping hand, a comforting smile or a warm hug.

That is the how, but the where remains a mystery and fills your heart with hope for a better tomorrow.

Gratitude and love to my best friend, who remains always in my thoughts and heart xxx

My March Daybook

FOR TODAY
Outside my window...is sunshine and new rose buds about to burst open.

I am thinking...about perspective. Life is full of choice, chance and change. You can't live life to the fullest without taking risks; yet taking too many risks may end to your life too soon.

I am thankful...for clarity of thought, being alive and my family.

In the kitchen...we're preparing for my Dad's 80th birthday party tomorrow.

I am wearing...blue denim shorts and a long sleeved, grey top. Contrast.

I am creating...new ideas and understanding about teaching students to read. We never stop learning!

I am going...to review my goals and emotional state. To say it has been a struggle lately would be an understatement. What do I need to do to help myself out of this hole?

I am wondering...how a certain couple of friends are coping at the moment. Loss, grief, disbelief and love surround their hearts and minds and I hope they can find a way to cope.

I am reading...lots of books to my kids every night. We've gone from stories about morals (i.e. integrity & honesty, believing in yourself etc.) to Geronimo Stilton to Boy V Beast! Hahaha, such an array of interests that my girls have ...

Around the house...party preparations, anxiety and lots of cooking.

One of my favourite things...is being in control of my emotions and thus my immediate environment. No such luck at the moment. I have learned to let go a little, but I have a long way to go!

Here is picture  I am sharing...this is me at my favourite waterhole -- smiling inside and out!