What fabric are you creating?

As I sit now, looking out my window at the yellow glow of the disappearing sunset, thoughts of how I came to be here float through my mind.

Our paths in this life are not pre-determined ... we have made choices in the past and we have choices ahead of us. All of our choices are woven together to form a fabric of life. What colours will dominate? What patterns will emerge? What can we learn from looking back at our creations?

Today I am presented with a new creation of life. I am joyous. I am pleased for the happy couple as their lives have suddenly been enriched with deep, overwhelming love and there are colourful times ahead. Yet, this colourful event is connected to me; connected to a time some 18 years earlier. As I look back I see painful colours emerge, and a pain that continued for many years after. The pain, however, does not reach into my present life. Why? If I remember correctly, I actively found strength to acknowledge my guilt and sorrow, then I let go and sowed seeds of love and forgiveness.

I am now filled with positivity; perhaps I have discovered a way to live and create a fabric of comfort and warmth despite having to weave together both agreeable and disagreeable material. So why do some of my closest connections continue to create haphazard and ill-shapen designs for themselves? I do not believe, as they do, that somehow I have received more favourable supplies. Instead, by continuously racing ahead without occasionally reviewing their creations, perhaps they cannot hope to see painful patterns emerging or cease to carry burdens into the future.

There is no sense of superiority here, for which I am commonly accused. My hope is for others to look at themselves as closely as I do so that they can feel joy, hope and positivity for their futures.

Today has been a reminder of another time. But it has also been an awakening ... a recognition that by actively seeking to acknowledge the past, the future can indeed be brighter. Mistakes may be made, but we have the capacity to learn from them.


Do you like your current creation?

Can you actively seek to drop a few colours and replace them with uplifting ones?

Or are some of us destined to create disastrous designs?

Learning about love

To have love in your life is truly precious.

I have learned some things about love. Perhaps the hardest has been to love others openly and without prejudice, which required me to open my heart and mind as well as to let go of my fear and judgement.

I must admit, I am a bit of a romantic! (This is quite ironic coming from a girl who spent half her life a tom-boy and then the other half trying to figure how to be comfortable in a skirt!) Thus I enjoy a good love story. One can follow the journey of two people as they discover ways to connect with each other without losing their sense of direction ... yes, it's complicated! It can be a fast tempo like a quick lustful heartbeat, or a slow tempo like that of a deep spiritual connection.

I am lucky to have love in my life.

I have parents who love me, although perhaps they don't always understand my complications! Ha ha. I have a couple of wonderful children who love me, and who are now old enough to understand that love is not dependent upon mood, situation or behaviour, but is unconditional. And I have the love of a good man. A man who has the ability to love me despite my complications -- i.e. my mood swings, my dreams, my insecurities, my search for answers to life-long questions, and my desire to love others when they are in need as well as for my need to.

"I may not be everything you thought I was, but if you love me then you need to love all the things about me."

Along my journey in this life, I have had strong and loving connections with a few people ... but I was unable to trust myself to let go and be theirs to love. I could not love everything about myself for a long time and I unknowingly hurt people because of it. There will be regrets, but these connections also taught me valuable things about myself and my capacity to trust, to forgive and to be myself.

One of the best aspects of my life right now is children, my own and others. They are so easy to love. Perhaps it is because most of them have the capacity to receive love without complicating it too much. They don't seem to question why your spending time with them, nurturing them, teaching them, learning from them, listening to them or laughing with them. They just like that you're around to give them attention, a voice, empathy, security and a hard time! I have learned that they know when you're open with them, and when you're not. There is no way I would have been good at my job 10 years ago -- I hadn't learned how to be open with myself never mind anybody else. Today, however, it is a joy to do what I do.

It would be untruthful to say that love is joyous at all times! Ha! Our hearts are not always pure and open and our minds are not always free from jealous, angry or hurtful thoughts, so we still continue to learn how to love each and every day.

I believe each of us needs love in our lives for different reasons. I think I need love that allows me to follow my dreams, my own path ... as I am easily side-tracked and like to meander along many different paths because I love a good adventure!

It seems to me that the more we learn about love, the more we learn about ourselves -- our true self.

In honour of those who've given me their love and to whom I have shared mine. Thank you ❤❤❤

Not an open or shut case

I sit here almost paralysed by the sadness within my heart.

I do not eat well.
I do not sleep well.
I do not do anything well when the sadness is here.

I wonder when it will go ...
               as I wish to smile,
                          to be joyous,
                                      and to be full of light again.

But I am also scared. I know these are signs that the little black dog may arrive at my front door soon. He has not found me in a few years and I have been so proud of my ability to keep him off the scent.

I will not panic though. Instead I wonder why the sadness is here? Sadness is as pervasive as sunlight breaking through an open window, but I usually have my shutters drawn. Perhaps I have been careless of late. Perhaps I have opened up to enjoy the warmth of the sunshine and forgotten the pain of burnt skin.

I guess therein lies the answer to my question as to how long it will stay. My skin will need time to heal. New skin will form and, when the time comes, the old skin will peel away. Although the new skin will look as fresh and unblemished as that surrounding it, there will be scars invisible to the naked eye that attest to this change.

We teach our children that mistakes must be learned from so we do not keep repeating them. So does this mean I should continue to be vigilant in keeping my shutters drawn? Or do I need to learn when to open them and when to close them? It seems such a hit and miss affair.

What do you think?

Sadness: low, melancholy, unhappy.

Perspective

Perspective is an amazing thing ...

It is a thing required by artists, such as photographers, painters and architects. But perspective is also a thing that normal, every-day people require too -- we just don't always know it.

Whilst some people dwell on whether their outfit makes them look fat or not, whether their hair is too frizzy or dull, or whether their house is perfect like in magazines ... others dwell on whether they will be able to feed their family, whether they will find the strength to get out of bed because of depression, or whether they will survive the beating or verbal abuse likely to come their way.

However, perspective can be elusive. Often it is gained once a struggle or difficulty has been surpassed -- such that one can look back over recent events and realise the insignificance of it all. Should one feel guilty? I don't think so. Yet, the event can be filed for future reference in order prevent a loss of perspective under similar circumstances.

I am constantly reminded of the importance of perspective. Last week I enjoyed a wonderful few days away with my two children ... we read books, played games, went shopping, collected shells, stayed up late and snuggled in bed until the sun shone through the window. It was bliss. I realised the long, hard grind of recent months ensuring the girls were well nourished, rested, educated and challenged now paved the way for us to relax and strengthen our bond under more joyful circumstances. Thus, I realised that although learning is important ... so is relaxation and family unity. There is need to make time for both.

As two of my closest friends are currently dealing with the reality of a parent with terminal cancer, I know the importance of keeping perspective about my day-to-day dramas. Like the fact that I spent 40 minutes this morning herding a run-away cat back into its owner's house! Grrrr. And I would dearly love to take away the mental anguish my two friends are suffering, but I know the importance of having someone simply be there to listen or to hug or to just be with ...

Today, I can look back over the de-railment of my own life over the last three years (due to grief upon the loss of my grandmother) and make this experience assist me to be the best supportive friend I can be. In addition, I can use a sense of perspective to realise recent disappointments will not prevent me from successfully moving along my chosen path. :)

Our capacity to love

Who am I to be writing about love? I am neither a poet nor a writer who knows how to elegantly arrange words to convey such feelings. I am neither experienced nor knowledgeable on the subject. I possess only a heart and the capacity to use it ...

Today I reached out to sooth a child in distress and it surprised me to feel my heart in my mouth. It took only a few minutes to calm and reassure him, but the experience moved me ... it was love; I did it out of love.

Where has this come from? How has this happened? These are a few of the questions I am asking myself tonight as I reflect upon my day.

These days I am surrounded by children, day and night. It may just be spending time at home with my own two girls, or in a classroom with up to 26 of them, or even in a playground with over 50! To some people this may sound like chaos, insanity or a little bit of both, but I love it. And I am also on a journey of self-discovery through this experience; I am learning about my prejudices, my imperfections and my capacity to love.

When I first decided to become a teacher I knew I wanted to be with young children, so I signed up to complete a Graduate Diploma in Primary Education. However, after my first two weeks of practical experience I changed to Secondary Education. I was scared. Inside of a week I felt an attachment with those young students as I knew their names and some of their personal stories. What would happen if I taught them for a year? I was also scared for the future. I was afraid of my children believing that I could love anyone more than them.

It is eight years since I made that decision to become a teacher and I am yet to fulfil my dream. Instead, I am a parent to 6 year old twin girls, a part-time student enrolled in a Certificate III (Education Support) course as well as a part-time Education Assistant at a local Primary School. Although the road has proved bumpy and full of unexpected twists and turns, I feel this is where I am supposed to be. I don't have the responsibility of preparing lessons for each day as well as ensuring each student has the best opportunity to learn. Yet I still contribute to the learning environment in which these students inhabit. Additionally, I have time to assist my own children with their homework, listen to their daily episodes, read them bedtime stories and worry about them constantly.

My experience today, however, has taught me that my heart can expand and reach out to others without limiting the supply of love for my own family. Perhaps I needn't be scared or afraid of love. Perhaps I need to let go of my heart. Perhaps I need to trust in my capacity to love endlessly.

Your heart is a reservoir of love ... let it be free.