Sharing my thoughts, all of them

I can hardly contain my excitement, joy, enthusiasm and the feeling of being totally blessed ... How wonderful it is to share this experience!


I was only thinking this morning that my blog seemed to be filled of deep, almost traumatic, thoughts and experiences ... and I wondered why this was so. To recall my early diary writing days, as a young girl of 13, is to remember writing as an outlet of expressing all my fears and dark thoughts. These needed to be expelled from my heart and mind in order to survive, but I couldn't share them with real people.

This pattern continued into my 20s, the expulsion of bad thoughts and experiences into words kept securely in nondescript, bound books of paper. Occasionally I would write to share the absolute highs of my life, such as the meeting of and conversations with my future husband. But, more often than not, my diary entries were full of questions and observations that filled my head as I tried desperately to understand the world around me.

Now in my 30s, I have come to accept and embrace myself, as well as the world around me. There is no need to hide myself anymore. I know I am not perfect, yet I have realised this doesn't make me a bad person. It simply makes me human. There is also no need for me to change others. "To live and let live" is certainly a motto I have incorporated into my life. This recent experience of acceptance has been the most wonderful and liberating of my life, by far. And now I find this changes how and why I write. No longer do I need to expel thoughts; instead I am choosing to share my thoughts, both the good and bad.

But, I am getting side-tracked ... joy, enthusiasm, excitement ... these are the emotions running through my head, heart and body at the moment. I have just secured some part-time work as a Teacher's Assistant in a local Primary School. I still can't believe my luck! Today I went there to meet the School Registrar and Principal to arrange days on which to volunteer my time, and as a result have walked out with a day of paid work too.

The sheer joy of having an opportunity to work with children is an overwhelming one ... they are the most amazing creatures. Each of them is unique and intriguing, and I enjoy the challenge of getting to know them and introducing them to the world of structured learning. The first year of school is all about discovering rules of behaviour, trusting and understanding others outside of your familiar environment, as well as learning about yourself.

What an amazing journey it is ... I can hardly wait!

A girl with many hats ...

There are many hats in my closet, although you can't see them.

Some are thread-bare from over-use, whilst others are nearly brand new.

The range is quite extensive for someone my age -- hard hats to floppy hats, hats from Africa to Europe, and a variety of coloured hats. A green hat for the garden, a red hat to stand out in the crowd, a yellow hat for positivity, a white hat for thoughtfulness, and blue hats for those hard-to-deal-with days. As each new day arrives, I instinctively reach for the appropriate hat ... or hats.

Whilst basking in the early morning light in my bathroom the other day I began thinking about one hat in particular. Recently I had removed it from its storage place at the back of my closet ... it having been there for 10 years meant it needed quite a bit of dusting off. However, I wore it, with pride, for one whole year (amongst others, because you are not limited to wearing one invisible hat!). But finally, last November, I discarded it.

So what to do with this hat now?

At this stage in my life I feel like I am cleansing; cleansing parts of my life which are too complicated, too much of a burden, or unsupportive of my chosen direction. Where did this hat fit in? Well, it certainly had been tried and tested. And it looked good on me. But, somehow, it did not quite fit ...

And at that moment, I realised I could not keep it. It no longer belonged in my closet. So I closed my eyes and then shredded it. Just like that! I expected to feel a little sadness, but I didn't. In fact, I felt ... relieved.


Amazingly enough, two days after the shredding episode, I was asked about this hat and whether I would wear it again. "No", I answered, "I have decided not to wear it ever again." "Never?" "Never", I replied with confidence.

Little does he know there are two more hats I am adding to my collection!

*grin*

Making a difference

Upon arriving home to Australia in 2002 (after an absence of a year or so), my body, mind and soul were exhausted and in pain. A kind person said to me "you've done your bit to help others, now leave it to others to do their bit" ... Although I knew I could not have continued physically, I had not been emotionally or mentally ready to go!


The previous month I had received Valium injections on a daily basis just to complete my work contract in East Africa. The medication helped take the edge off the searing pain that lurked within my abdomen, both day and night. So quickly had it become part of my morning routine that I had mentally apportioned 5 minutes for the whole process to be completed and could resume normal organisational activities almost as soon as the needle was withdrawn from my body. I have no idea how others around me viewed this procedure, especially the two people sent over to replace me!

As for the pain that continues to live in my heart, I am not so sure how to cure that! The feeling remains that my personal contribution to this part of the world is incomplete. Somehow I feel drawn to the people, to the country and to fulfill a need to come back and further contribute to their well-being. Although I do remember the first reaction to me walking about in the village ... the wide-eyed howl of a small child and his frenzied scamper to hide behind his mother's skirt. It was only later that I found out the villagers told their children a mzungu (white person) would take them away if they behaved badly! Ha ha, the poor kid. Yet, towards the end of my stay in the village I could count on the company of at least 20 local kids when I went on my afternoon jog.

Well, today I feel blessed. Blessed at the moment when an advert surreptitiously appeared on my computer screen with the caption Volunteer Abroad ... I didn't hesitate more than a few seconds before clicking on the words. Bingo! A program where you can offer your time, enthusiasm (and skills) to effect positive change in a community, including Tanzania. My mind has been at full tilt ever since formulating a plan to get myself and my family involved. It has been a burst of excitement in my day and there is an overwhelming feeling in my heart that this could be the sort of opportunity to ease the pain.

Making a difference sounds so inviting ... "as simple as sharing love and affection with orphans, playing team-building sports with at-risk youth, sharing stories and photos with the elderly in a community, or practicing conversational English with adults seeking new career opportunities." Yes, this is what I have been looking for and to include my family would be perfect.

Growing up

Funny thing about kids ... you miss them when they're not there!

I have just walked in the door from "school pick-up" with two school bags, empty lunch boxes and hats, but not my two girls. Can a few months really make much of a difference? Well, obviously it does because both of them have happily gone off on different "play-dates" ... leaving me to my own devices (and thoughts) this afternoon. Apparently GRADE ONE really is about growing up, in more ways than one.

Coming back to an empty house is quite a funny feeling. What does one do? There are no stories to listen to, no milkshakes to prepare, no stories to read or colouring in to do. The weird thing is that you are free and yet feel under pressure to utilise this small, but precious, time wisely!

Ha ha, it was only 6 years ago that I didn't have a problem knowing what to do in my time off ... in fact, my whole life revolved around me and my wants and desires. How very strange to think of me back then. I didn't realise what a selfish life I was leading, and although I don't believe I was totally self-absorbed it seems such a selfish way of living all the same.

I have often heard people say they want to bring children into the world to make themselves feel whole or complete ... I am not sure whether I understand this reasoning, but I do know that my children have brought great joy, triumph, heart-ache, frustration and immense love into my life. I feel grateful that I am blessed with the opportunity to care and support my two girls.

May this experience be yet another reminder as to how wonderful they both are and how much to cherish every moment I have with them. Sending you ❤❤❤ and kisses beautiful ones ...