I am standing on the precipice ... I have been here before, but never in the day time. It looks so unfamiliar, but I am well acquainted with the pathway that leads here, so I know it is the same place.
Today it is a bright and sunny place with a magnificent view of lusciously green, grassy knolls leading towards a horizon where pure blue skies rise above. I feel uneasy though, despite the perfect setting … I know I must scramble down the rocky slope to feel the softness of the grass beneath my feet and to
smell the fresh scents of the array of meadow flowers I see before me. But I am hesitant. For three days I have looked longingly at this view; I have felt it call to me through gentle, warm breezes and heard my heart’s desire to step off this vantage point. But, still, I maintain my position with leaden feet and a stubbornness to hold onto my fear.
The last time I was standing here there was nothing but blackness for my eyes to see. The upward winds were frighteningly ferocious and howled about me like hungry wolves circling their prey. I daren't go even one step further; it seemed certain that to do so would be a choice to die. Despite my fear, I stood with courage to withstand the wind buffeting my body, the wild flapping of my long gown and the stinging of it as it lashed my bare legs. The howling noises continued and eventually I no longer felt vulnerable, but smiled almost menacingly toward the black sky with the knowledge of life's fragility. A desire to shout "Is that all you've got for me?" to the unknown spirit above me sat roughly in my throat, but in truth I didn't want to face any more challenges. Just one more step ... one more and there would be an end to my fears, my confusion, helplessness and disappointments. But, in my heart, I knew my only choice was to retreat back, barefooted along the rocky path, through the dark tunnel from whence I had come. There was no other choice. I needed to return to the place where my loved ones awaited me.
On that occasion, there had been no 'light at the end of the tunnel'. Yet, today, I am blessed with a spectacular view of greener pastures out yonder. Why? And why this time after so many experiences of complete darkness and desolation? Could it be that a kind friend led me here? Could her recent visit with open conversation and complete honesty about my need to take a journey be the reason I am offered this view? If so, then I am utterly indebted to her.
Why, then, can I not bring myself to move? It doesn't seem to difficult to find a way down. Could it be that my courage is no match for my fear? This place, these feelings are all so familiar AND I know how to get back. What if I can't go back? Will my family and friends be there to meet me in the new world? I think this is my lesson: it is time to move on. I have dwelt too much on the past; I have looked for answers to my past for so long that I have forgotten to embrace the future with all of its unknowns.
Four weeks ago, I experienced my worst nightmare -- the possibility that I might leave this world and leave my two young girls without their mother. I know what it feels like to have lost a parent! I know the feeling of never knowing who they were, what they liked to do, to read or to talk about ... or how they felt about anything! It is a big unknown, which haunts your happiness, your sense of belonging, your understanding of yourself and it can turn up when you least expect. Despite the years of research into my Father's family and asking millions of questions about his life, I am no closer to knowing his personality nor what characteristics I carry of his. Perhaps I will never know, but to admit defeat means I give up hope and I am unwilling to do either. So, I have been rooted to this spot for some days now afraid to acknowledge the depth of my fear. Yet, it is time now to accept the situation because not only have I carried the burden of this fear, but one of my children too as she has physical signs of stress and anxiety. It is a wake-up call we all needed. I hope we can start to deal with what has happened and heal our emotional scars.
My kind friend said to me that my physical scar would act as a reminder of the journey I needed to take for myself and my family. She is right. Our family needs to consider our short term happiness. We need to embrace the opportunities that come our way to feel joy, the aliveness of spirit, spontaneity and answer our desire to explore the world before us ... A fellow high schooler once suggested I buy a hat with my first wage since childbirth, instead of putting it away on my mortgage. A hat! Such frivolity! But, she was right. I still have a mortgage, but my hat collection remains poor. Life is for living now; one shouldn't always be cautious and careful because you can't choose when it all ends.
As I see the endless array of flowers stretched out before me, so too do I see life's possibilities. Bless you all. May you make your own courage bigger than your fear to step off your precipice of life. I just have ...
