Not an open or shut case

I sit here almost paralysed by the sadness within my heart.

I do not eat well.
I do not sleep well.
I do not do anything well when the sadness is here.

I wonder when it will go ...
               as I wish to smile,
                          to be joyous,
                                      and to be full of light again.

But I am also scared. I know these are signs that the little black dog may arrive at my front door soon. He has not found me in a few years and I have been so proud of my ability to keep him off the scent.

I will not panic though. Instead I wonder why the sadness is here? Sadness is as pervasive as sunlight breaking through an open window, but I usually have my shutters drawn. Perhaps I have been careless of late. Perhaps I have opened up to enjoy the warmth of the sunshine and forgotten the pain of burnt skin.

I guess therein lies the answer to my question as to how long it will stay. My skin will need time to heal. New skin will form and, when the time comes, the old skin will peel away. Although the new skin will look as fresh and unblemished as that surrounding it, there will be scars invisible to the naked eye that attest to this change.

We teach our children that mistakes must be learned from so we do not keep repeating them. So does this mean I should continue to be vigilant in keeping my shutters drawn? Or do I need to learn when to open them and when to close them? It seems such a hit and miss affair.

What do you think?

Sadness: low, melancholy, unhappy.

First love

A face appears, memories swell and feelings return.

He was my first love.

I was young, so was he.

Though we shared a connection,

I was too shy and uncertain to pursue my feelings.

He was gentle and kind.

I watched as others flitted about him.
His gaze was steady and I melted before it,
But I couldn't disengage my self-control and I lost him.

He and his family moved.
We lost touch for many years.
But my wishes for him to live a happy life were strong,
And he remained in my heart and soul.

His story found its way to me.
I found him and reached out.
Perhaps I needed to tell him how I felt for my own sake,
But my intention was to make him feel lovable and special.

We talked and listened.
I felt feelings I hadn't expected.
I wished for different circumstances, but it was unrealistic,
How can you be friends with someone who stirs your soul?

Today, his face appears again.
I can't believe my eyes!
My heart is beating furiously, my mind is awash with questions,
But my self-control is back and I know to keep my distance.

Perhaps we've met before.
Perhaps we're destined to meet again.
There will always be a strong connection between us,
But we will not be connected by love in this life time.

Till we meet again, my sweet.

I am the Seasons

I am the Seasons.

I am a busy bee, flitting from job to job throughout each day.
I am growing, sprouting new ideas and goals, expanding through listening, observing, reading and new experiences.
I am blooming, spreading my love and the sunshine from my heart.
I am enthusiastic, diligent, indecisive, versatile, nurturing and a quick learner.
I am Spring.

I am the Seasons.

I am intense, burning through barriers to find the truth, the heart, the inner spirit.

I am bright, sharing joyful times with friends and family, bantering with roosters who crow loudly.

I am fruitful, determined to make the most of life, discovering ways to live harmoniously and simply with the environment and its inhabitants.

I am passionate, intrusive, questioning, intuitive, witty and caring.

I am Summer.

I am the Seasons.

I am change, seeking to become a better person, finding new ways to explore the world and have fun.

I am shedding, releasing toxins from my life, liberating myself from the expectations or burdens of others.

I am storing, accumulating wisdom shared by the young and elderly, learning from mistakes. 

I am reflective, deep thinking, creative, innovative, judgemental and a listener.

I am Autumn.

I am the Seasons.
I am naked, unprotected from cruelty, exposing my sensitive core.
I am empty, devoid of feeling, drained of energy and enthusiasm.
I am closed, thwarting the attention of others, choosing solitude or the peace and support of immediate family.
I am patient, introverted, vulnerable, moody, pessimistic, stubborn and reclusive.
I am Winter.

I am the Seasons.
I am Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter.
I am changing, evolving and unique.
I am every colour, every emotion, every phase.
I am the Seasons.

The promised life?

When a babe in arms, life was simple.
There was enough food, shelter and love.

When a toddler, life was suddenly complicated.
There was no Father, a grieving Mother, a new born Sister and a new Dad.

When of school age, life was unfamiliar once again.
How to make friends, how to keep friends, how to please a teacher and how to stretch ones mind.
Others were relied upon for self-belief and understanding conditions of love.

When 10 years old, life was sweet.
There was success in sport, academia, friendship, family connection and self-control.
But there existed an intense fear of losing everything and everyone.

When a teenager, life was way too complicated.
There was confusion about the body, mind, and life in general.
Others seemed false, cruel, unreliable, disinterested or unavailable.
There was high expectations and no skills to cope.

When independent at 18, life was liberating.
There was a rebellion!
No study, no advice taken, no playing it safe and no care for oneself.
Lessons about love, loss and true friendship were discovered.
There was a move away from family and the finding of others for support and guidance.

When mid-to-late 20s, life was a roller-coaster.
There were 'up' periods when the world was an oyster.
There were 'down' periods when the world closed and one couldn't see through the darkness.
There was a lack of trust, belief and direction.

Now a mother, life has changed completely.
It is not measured by success, but in patience.
There is no room for selfish thoughts, desires or motives.
There is room only for positivity, hope, faith, belief, trust and open mindedness.
A good example must be dreamt, fulfilled and sustained.

Is this the promised life?

Through a child's eye

Oh Mummy, you said I was your baby,
and you'd never ever leave me.
Oh Daddy, you said I was your one and only,
and no others would there be.
But now you've both just let me down,
and I don't know how to see ...
beyond my tears, beyond this minute and beyond my misery!

Oh Teacher, you said I was behaving well,
and that I made you very proud.
Oh Friend, you said I was the best,
and you liked when I laughed out loud.
But now you've both just let me down,
and I don't know how to act ...
beyond my anger, beyond my frustration and beyond this gloomy shroud!

Oh Self, you said I could do anything,
and that we would do it all.
Oh Self, you said I was making progress,
and we would never fall.
But now you've just let me down,
and I don't know what's coming next ...
beyond my fear, beyond the unknown and beyond my iron-wall!

Oh Child, you must believe us now,
when we tell you all will be okay.
Oh Child, you must believe us now,
when we ask you to find your way.
We understand your world has changed,
and you're feeling all mixed up ...
but beyond this hurdle you will jump and there you'll want to stay.

Oh Child, we promise to love you no matter what you do,
so you must promise to love yourself and do it forever too.

A life cycle

Last week my mind was whirring like crazy!
Plus I couldn't sleep,
            I couldn't eat,
                 I couldn't concentrate,
                      I had no patience ...
and I was crying at the drop of a hat!

Something was wrong ... but what?

The week before I was smiling,
                               I was on top of the world,
                                    I was organised,
                                         I was studying diligently ...
and I was able to see the beauty of everything around me.

So what happened ... what changed?

I still can't pinpoint one single event or a particular reason for my recent malaise. However, I do know that the events of May and June caused me to look deep within myself and question my abilities, beliefs and goals. As a result, there has been shedding of old skin and an invigoration of my integrity.

Perhaps the re-surfacing of old issues last week served to test my new self?

Thus I look forward, with interest, to the events and emotions of this week.
I hope to find peace,
    I hope to find support,
        I hope to find joy,
             I hope to find beauty ...
and I hope to find strength if none of these are found.

Life is a never-ending cycle.