Our capacity to love

Who am I to be writing about love? I am neither a poet nor a writer who knows how to elegantly arrange words to convey such feelings. I am neither experienced nor knowledgeable on the subject. I possess only a heart and the capacity to use it ...

Today I reached out to sooth a child in distress and it surprised me to feel my heart in my mouth. It took only a few minutes to calm and reassure him, but the experience moved me ... it was love; I did it out of love.

Where has this come from? How has this happened? These are a few of the questions I am asking myself tonight as I reflect upon my day.

These days I am surrounded by children, day and night. It may just be spending time at home with my own two girls, or in a classroom with up to 26 of them, or even in a playground with over 50! To some people this may sound like chaos, insanity or a little bit of both, but I love it. And I am also on a journey of self-discovery through this experience; I am learning about my prejudices, my imperfections and my capacity to love.

When I first decided to become a teacher I knew I wanted to be with young children, so I signed up to complete a Graduate Diploma in Primary Education. However, after my first two weeks of practical experience I changed to Secondary Education. I was scared. Inside of a week I felt an attachment with those young students as I knew their names and some of their personal stories. What would happen if I taught them for a year? I was also scared for the future. I was afraid of my children believing that I could love anyone more than them.

It is eight years since I made that decision to become a teacher and I am yet to fulfil my dream. Instead, I am a parent to 6 year old twin girls, a part-time student enrolled in a Certificate III (Education Support) course as well as a part-time Education Assistant at a local Primary School. Although the road has proved bumpy and full of unexpected twists and turns, I feel this is where I am supposed to be. I don't have the responsibility of preparing lessons for each day as well as ensuring each student has the best opportunity to learn. Yet I still contribute to the learning environment in which these students inhabit. Additionally, I have time to assist my own children with their homework, listen to their daily episodes, read them bedtime stories and worry about them constantly.

My experience today, however, has taught me that my heart can expand and reach out to others without limiting the supply of love for my own family. Perhaps I needn't be scared or afraid of love. Perhaps I need to let go of my heart. Perhaps I need to trust in my capacity to love endlessly.

Your heart is a reservoir of love ... let it be free.

To live and love or fear it all

Fear makes my hair stand up.

Fear leaves me breathless.

Fear paralyses my body.

Fear drives my mind wild.

Fear causes my heart to race or just stop completely ...

Fear.

Fear.

Fear.

I fear the darkness of night.

I fear the noises of my houses.

I fear the pain of my children.

I fear the bouts of insomnia.

I fear the ache of grief.

I fear the thoughts of depression.

And I fear the lack of direction or purpose in my life ...

Love.

Love.

Love.

Love swells my heart.

Love allows me to breathe deeply.

Love frees my body.

Love eases the pain.

Love gives me freedom of thought.

Love caresses my soul.

Love conquers my fear ...

Tomorrow, I hope my courage to choose love and life is stronger than my fear.

"Fear is created out of love by your own mind to protect you from pain.
Fear pretends to protect us from harm when it is actually robbing us of our passion for life.
Freedom doesn't mean having no fear. It means acting in spite of your fear.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

Barbara De Angelis

The coming and going of friends

I am not the sort of person to reach out to make friends only then to withdraw my affection at a later date. It takes me a long time to let people into my inner sanctuary, that of my heart, and so it is under a similar time frame that I release them. According to my astrology chart ...

Intimacy does not come easily to you and you may appear cold or unfeeling to others due to your emotional reserve and caution. Perhaps due to painful relationships and separations in your early life, you do not trust others very easily and it takes a long time to take down all of your barriers and defenses.

I am examining this idea because today I saw an "old" friend and realised that I had finally let her go. I had no physical reaction upon seeing her, although just last week I couldn't have said the same. It may surprise you that she and I had ended our close friendship perhaps more than a year ago, but I had held onto a spiritual connection with her despite the loss of our physical one. I have no idea how she feels about our relationship now as I understand she was quite hurt last year when we weren't finding time to see each other. Although I too was bemused by our sudden lack of contact, I assumed it was just the way it was supposed to be. We had helped each other through post-natal depression and the subsequent re-entry into the world outside the safety of our family. It was a wonderful gift we were able to give each other. However, it has come to an end. Although I am sad we cannot maintain our friendship in the outside world, I am happy to accept that perhaps we were only meant to find each other only in the other world.

Interestingly, the ending to the previous quote is

You may feel that you have few friends or people that really care about you. You need to learn to value and love yourself more and to express your appreciation for others more openly.

I say "interesting" because this is what happens when depression hits. Your mind plays tricks on you; it allows you to believe that nobody understands you and nobody could love the person you are in your current state. The proof is the number of people currently aware of how you are feeling ... hence, the added feeling of being alone and unlovable. However, as is suggested, you can fight these feelings and beliefs by training your mind to replace them with positive thoughts you know to be true: my husband loves me, my children love me, my dearest friends love me, and they love me just the way I am. But, I am getting off the track.

My friends are few in number, and most of them do not reside in the same physical location as myself, but they are held within my heart at all times. Our friendship is called upon throughout my daily life as it is their love for me that allows me to give love to others, to be the best person I can be and to fight those battles within my mind. What more could one ask of friends and friendship? So my darling friends, if you are reading this, then please know that I love you more than ever and appreciate our spiritual connection despite the lack of our physical one.

All my love and appreciation, Tara ❤❤❤

Our Sacred Place

Although my family are not living in the hustle and bustle of a city, nor in the continuous hubbub of a suburb, but instead are enjoying the laid back and often isolated lifestyle of a country town in the middle of an expansive red desert ... we still find ourselves, at times, overwhelmed by life.

When faced with these overwhelming feelings ... we start to plan a day trip to our sacred place. Weeli Wolli. It is a permanent waterhole about two hours drive from our house and sufficiently "off the beaten track" to require the arrangement of a safety rescue plan with friends at home. (You don't want to be stuck out in the plus 40 degree C heat for too long!)

It is also a sacred place to the people who have lived in this area for many tens of thousands of years ... the local Aboriginal people of the Martu tribe. When bathing in the beautiful, pristine running water and peacefulness of this place, you feel you are sharing the experience with the spirits of Weeli Wolli. It is a heavenly, almost divine, place.

And I am delighted to share the following photographs of our sacred place with you.