Meeting a Goddess

The morning was calm, serene and heavily scented with fate. Everything I touched fell into place, despite the arrangements being made at the last minute. I felt positive, light and full of hope for the day ahead.

The ‘boy’ smiled a brilliant smile at me. He couldn’t have been more than 17 surely – in fact, if I hadn’t known better I would have asked him about school! The older man, his face showing the years of experience and perhaps life’s disappointments, managed to smile also. He discovered my details on the computer and I left their place of work smiling. How lovely to exchanges pleasantries without as much as a word. I looked up toward the heavens with gratitude in my heart.

There was a little time now before I needed to be at my next appointment. How wonderful it felt to know I could do something decadent! I waltzed up to the counter at my favourite coffee shop and ordered a small, spinach and feta filo pie and an espresso. The zombie, with his clothes stained blood red, took my order and we exchanged a few words about his costume for Halloween. Young people these days seem to take great delight in this ritual. No, I didn’t have plans to go out tonight. No, my children don’t have plans either. We will be celebrating my Grandmother’s birthday; she would have been 94. Have a great time yourself though, I responded. I rejoiced on the occasion to speak about my Grandma with this stranger and feel peace, rather than pain. These past five years have surely gone quickly.

Sitting down at a nearby table it occurred to me that life just couldn’t be better. What a day! No awkward human interactions plus a few minutes to enjoy a coffee and read my latest medieval tale Scandal of the Season. How extraordinary to go behind the scenes of the famous poem The Rape of the Lock. Do you remember it? Alexander Pope. Ha, that brings back some memories. But after re-reading the same paragraph for the third time I closed the book. My stomach was twisting with knots of nerves. I observed the time, five more minutes. Anxious at the prospect of meeting someone new, I checked my thoughts and persuaded them to dwell on the knowledge that luxury accompanied this meeting. One and a half hours of complete extravagance! My energy was soaring again, so I quickly gathered my belongings and headed towards my new destination.

I was early, I needed to wait. I took a seat in the stiff, white chair seemingly in the middle of a thoroughfare, but at least it took my mind off the up-coming event. I watched three people waiting in a line close by. The elderly lady in the paisley blouse was being attended to courteously, but she grasped uneasily at her oversized bag and walking stick as the attendant offered her a bag of medicines. It’s a bugger getting old, she stated. The attendant smile sympathetically and helped her customer regain composure before moving amongst the fast-moving crowd beyond the doorway. Two middle-aged ladies tapped impatiently on the glass counter, waiting to be served. I wouldn’t want to be in retail again, I thought. Just then I felt eyes on me. I turned to see a soft face and a brilliant smile, Tara is it? All my anxiety melted away as I nodded. Come this way please.
 

 

Life goes on

Life goes on, they say. Goes on how and to where, I wonder.

People see a smile, but not the pain. It is there, in the eyes. But most don't want to see it or acknowledge it. They walk away with their own problems and life to live. Pass you by.

I see it in others. It hurts most when I see pain in the eyes of children. Not just once either. Some walk in every day with eyes that wrench at your heart. But you can't take on the world either, they say. Leave them. They'll get through.

So days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months and before you know it, you've survived.

Looking back at the dark points you wonder how and why nobody came to help. But, perhaps they thought you were tough enough and could get through anything, or perhaps you weren't worth their time. Who knows?

Tomorrow is another day. What it will bring is unknown, but you've built up your resilience again and you know you'll survive.

Life goes on, they say. And you're sure to get through and still have energy to give to others that need helping hand, a comforting smile or a warm hug.

That is the how, but the where remains a mystery and fills your heart with hope for a better tomorrow.

Gratitude and love to my best friend, who remains always in my thoughts and heart xxx

My March Daybook

FOR TODAY
Outside my window...is sunshine and new rose buds about to burst open.

I am thinking...about perspective. Life is full of choice, chance and change. You can't live life to the fullest without taking risks; yet taking too many risks may end to your life too soon.

I am thankful...for clarity of thought, being alive and my family.

In the kitchen...we're preparing for my Dad's 80th birthday party tomorrow.

I am wearing...blue denim shorts and a long sleeved, grey top. Contrast.

I am creating...new ideas and understanding about teaching students to read. We never stop learning!

I am going...to review my goals and emotional state. To say it has been a struggle lately would be an understatement. What do I need to do to help myself out of this hole?

I am wondering...how a certain couple of friends are coping at the moment. Loss, grief, disbelief and love surround their hearts and minds and I hope they can find a way to cope.

I am reading...lots of books to my kids every night. We've gone from stories about morals (i.e. integrity & honesty, believing in yourself etc.) to Geronimo Stilton to Boy V Beast! Hahaha, such an array of interests that my girls have ...

Around the house...party preparations, anxiety and lots of cooking.

One of my favourite things...is being in control of my emotions and thus my immediate environment. No such luck at the moment. I have learned to let go a little, but I have a long way to go!

Here is picture  I am sharing...this is me at my favourite waterhole -- smiling inside and out!

Waiting for you

We were planning to grow old together, but now you are gone.
I woke up this morning and it wasn't a dream, oh my heart is torn.

Torn between overwhelming grief and a stoic attempt to stay strong.

Torn between anger, hurt, disbelief and love because it all feels so wrong!

Please let me know you are alright, please come back to us soon.
I feel so alone right now, my heart is beating with an open wound.

Where is your smile, your warmth, your laugh and our love so true?

As the sun sets today, I will be waiting my love, I will be waiting for you.

...

Positive Posting

Being positive is something I have learned how to do over the years. For me, it hasn't come naturally. It has taken a lot of practice.

At times I find myself slipping back into negative self-talk, so I have to take a step back and remind myself to be positive. Luckily I haven't needed to resort to flicking an elastic band upon my wrist as I can be strong-minded.

At other times I come across a positive message and try to force it into my mantra by repeating it in my head or by writing it down. It is for this reason that I have labelled this a 'Postive Posting' ... I would like to share some of the positive messages I find.

Enjoy :))

If you believe you are unique and wonderful,

then you will learn to change what you can,

make a difference when you can,

and accept the things you can't do anything about.

Raining on your parade

My family and I are on a journey. It is a journey we all share, but to reach our final destination we each seem destined to find our own bridge to cross.

The girls have spent the last two days at "pony camp", which included a one night sleepover. They have only riden a horse a few times before and have even fewer sleepover experiences, so this camp would be a test of their confidence, resilience and self-belief. I was hoping both of them would find something within themselves to make it through and then be able to use this when other challenges arose (like starting at a new school next week!).

My eldest (by 2 minutes) was challenged with being slightly off colour for the two days; at the end of the first day she rang to say her ear hurt and she needed to come home, unfortunately nobody was available to pick her up immediately so she needed to calm herself down and wait for her Dad to arrive. Can you believe that she rung when I was at the doctors surgery, my Mum and Dad were at the hospital and that when my husband received the message to pick her up that the car wouldn't start? In hindsight, perhaps it was her test ... thankfully she made it home, took some medicine and enjoyed a good night sleep. She also managed to override her pride and went back to the camp for the second day.

My youngest (by 2 minutes) sailed through the first day with no obvious challenges and happily spent the night at the camp by herself. This surprised all of us, but we were quietly pleased how it had turned out. However, when I went to pick them up at the end of the second day I found her curled up and crying on the bathroom floor. Someone had not let her back into her room, so she chose to go off by herself and cry. I took her out of the bathroom, handled her with care, then encouraged her to go out and have fun with the others by the pool. It took her a long, long time to stop crying and to join in ... thankfully she did and ended her pony camp with a smile on her face. We debriefed at 'home' (my M&D's house) and all I could think of was not to let someone else 'rain on your parade'.

And what had I been doing for two glorious days to myself? At 'home' in bed with fever and chills, of course! So, I didn't get my hair cut, I didn't get to meet my friend for lunch and I didn't paint write for two days ... but I am sure my lesson is in there somewhere for me to find, along with a little path leading up to my bridge!

This is one of my favourite images ... it reminds me to dance with joy despite what is going on around me. Perhaps I needed reminding because today I have received this message twice!

Who Am I?

Who am I?

I am a Mother of two.
I am a close friend to a few.
I am a daughter, a wife, an Auntie, a home-maker,
But no candle-stick maker.

I am a Teacher in training,
I am a puddle-jumper when its raining.
I am a rock-doctor, a dancer, a writer, a believer,
But no basket weaver.

I am a rock climber in summer,
I am a book reader in winter.
I am a thinker, a worrier, a carer, a sharer,
But I want things to be fairer!

I want harmony.
I want peace.
I want equity.
I want tolerance.
But my wants seem impossible when people pursue wealth over making do, best prices over fair trade, being right over compromise and taking over giving.
Aggression is the name of the game it seems.
Passion to do good by others and for others are lost dreams.


Or am I being too cynical?


Does a place, or a house, or a job really define who you are?
Do the expectations or needs of others be all that you are?
Or is it possible to be something or someone else?
Can you possibly be or do what you only dream to be or do ...

Happiness

1st AUGUST, 2010

What do you need to be happy?

I have learnt over the years not to depend too much upon other people, material wealth or life circumstances for my happiness.

I am happy when the glow and warmth of the winter sun enters the windows of my house.

I am happy with a strong, black coffee and sizeable square of chocolate in my hand.

I am happy as I walk my very energetic and often disobedient puppy in the bush.

I am happy at get-togethers with old friends or family I haven't seen for a long time.

I am happy when I can talk deeply and trustingly with a close friend or my loving husband.

I am happy with the satisfaction of a hard day's work or the arrival of an unexpected compliment.

I am happy as I watch the rain lashing our lounge room window during a wild tropical storm.

I am happy at the memory of childhood delights or first kisses.

I am happy when I read an unforgettable book, view a fabulous photograph or see an inspirational movie.

I am happy with the sound of my children laughing.

I am happy as Spring arrives and brings with it the first blush of roses and fruit blossoms.

I am happy at the beach with the sound of waves upon the shore and the joy of shell collecting.

But I am happiest, above all, within my own skin.

It has taken many painstaking years to get to this point, but I am now happy to be who I am.

A new leaf

Well, I have started! The first chapter (rough as guts) is all there in the Untitled page!

I am pleased with the fluency, details and direction ... not sure about tense and voice just yet. Very inexperienced in this sort of thing -- although ideas and stories have always been in my head. Well, perhaps more will come out today ... but Day 1 is typed up and OUT THERE!!!!!!!!!!

Today I might have turned over a new leaf. Make time for writing.

The other leaves will need to be turned over more slowly and deliberately. Make time for friends. Make time for positive interactions with my children. Make time for my husband. Make time for regular exercise.

HAPPY NEW YEAR :)) xxx